you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
