I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
