i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
