i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
