I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
