bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
