It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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