I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
