I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
