I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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