someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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