You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
