FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Randomize
