Cold hands, warm shart.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
