You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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