how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
