when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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