whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
