I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
