I just threw up on my dentist
ugly people sure do ruin things
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
