my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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