1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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