you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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