Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
This baby is an asshole
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
