I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
