I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
