I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
