fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
