I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
