i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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