i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
