i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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