after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
