You were right. It hurts to walk today.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
