I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
