Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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