forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
