You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
