My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
