No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
