i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Boobs speak an international language.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I pour the whiskey from now on
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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