no, he came in my armpit
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
