I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
