rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
