yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
