I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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