I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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