Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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