i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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