I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
