I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We left an ass print on the piano.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
