This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
